MLK day

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I’m vaguely thinking about MLK and not thinking about the inauguration.

I decided to give the vegetarian cookbook one last chance since I had the time and brain cells and ingredients. I threw together a vegetarian shepherd’s pie and now it’s in the crock pot and mayyyyybe it’ll be edible, although just because something’s generally edible doesn’t mean Unpredictable in particular will eat it.

Actually, last night was frustrating because I successfully made dinner and Unpredictable left to go for a walk while I was cooking, but unlike normal people who walk around the block, she walked all the way to my mom’s house, which is over two miles away, because she urgently wanted to talk to my mom (about fruit kebab sticks???). I had to send Brainiacal to go bring her back so we could eat dinner. If Brainiacal hadn’t been there, I don’t know what I would have done–turned all the burners off and left the mostly-cooked food on the stove, I guess? The dinner was baked tofu, mashed potatoes, and veggie stir-fry, and all three of us cleaned our plates. Just wouldn’t have been so great if I had been alone b/c neither kid bothered to show up for it. We had a nice bonding conversation in reality though.

I once again think my roof might be leaking and once again don’t really know what I’m supposed to do about it. I wish I could remember who I called about it the last time. There’s a part of me that probably would be better suited to apartment living, but that part of me always gets trounced by the part of me that can’t stand the thought of not owning a house free and clear someday. Anyway if anyone wants to check to find out why there’s a wet spot in the carpet in the middle of my house nowhere near any plumbing, let me know.

floating ideas

Posted on by perfectpanicky

Today I had a migraine, and I tried really hard to go swimming at the Y but ultimately failed, and I tried really hard to make dinner and ultimately succeeded, and got to spend quality time with both of my children and also got to see some of my friends. I even passed Bert on the road coming home from church.

I’m pretty tired from the migraine, though.

The SST floated the idea of moving to the city where I work instead of to the town where I live. I think it would be better if he moved to the town where I live, but I would 10/10 accept his moving to the city if he would just leave “the children” and come to me.

You know what’s weird, the first three years of Brainiacal’s life were extremely intense for me, like run-over-by-a-train intense, and they were intense for her as well. But the bulk of that extreme intensity happened before she was old enough to remember. It’s in her subconscious somewhere and she is still bonded to me as a result of it, but because she doesn’t remember it, it still makes it sort of one-sided from my perspective. Like, I was pregnant with her for nine months, and then I nursed her for twenty-six months of which fifteen months were pretty much all day and all night every day and every night, and I also read to her, talked to her, and took her to the park all the time and stopped her from running into traffic or pulling everything off the shelves at Target even though she would throw huge tantrums any time I stopped her from doing anything. It is the most intense relationship I will ever have with anybody…and she doesn’t remember it.

My relationship with Unpredictable is just as warm and loving, even though it isn’t as intense. I can’t begin to imagine anyone having any level of acquaintance with Unpredictable and not just totally adoring her. That’s one of the reasons why Templeton is incomprehensible.

The day it’s been

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I slept poorly last night, lounged around this morning, then got some housecleaning done–not all of it, but a fair amount–then Unpredictable wanted me to drive her to her bestie’s house. I decided to take my 30th grocery order of the rewards period, if a decent one came up. I needed to go to Target anyway to pick up a prescription, then I got there and the parking lot was so crowded that I didn’t even want to go in for that. Then a grocery store order came up, so I quickly left Target and went to the grocery store instead. It was to an address at the borderline of where I’m willing to deliver, but I delivered to one of their neighbors the night before Thanksgiving and they were super nice and sometimes it seems like nice people cluster together. So, I took this order and it was medium-sized but the customer wanted a lot of very specific specialty items: orzo (out of stock), pitted kalamata olives (the store didn’t carry the brand the customer wanted–fortunately they were willing to accept another brand), packaged pre-peeled garlic, bulgur-based salad mix, and tahini. I had to get an employee to help me find the tahini after I was unsuccessful searching the Asian foods section, the condiments section, the snack section, and the specialty foods section. The employee found it for me right away, in the rice aisle, between the couscous and the quinoa. Words failed me.

The customer tipped well and I see no evidence of being downrated, which is a good way to go out. I feel bad about the orzo, but what can you do.

Brainiacal texted me when I got to the health food store and asked if she could come over later. I said yes, but take your Christmas stocking back to Grandma. Then my mom texted that Brainiacal had brought her Christmas stocking back. You’re welcome, Mom. I saw a lady at the health food store that looked like the SST’s ex and we exchanged an awkward glance, but I actually think it wasn’t her, just someone who looked like her, although goodness knows it’s possible to run into anyone in this town. I texted Brainiacal did she need anything from the health food store and she said brussels sprouts. She was already at my house when I got home. Unpredictable texted she was staying the night at the bestie’s house. Brainiacal made us roasted brussels sprouts and I made us hot chocolate.

Brainiacal and I wound up playing trivia and Quiplash online with the SST and Ren and Stimpy. I had a lot of fun, probably because I won Quiplash, although Brainiacal won trivia. I think it’s a good idea to try to have as good a relationship with Ren and Stimpy as I can, because although I don’t like what they’re doing to the SST, still they’re clearly important to him and I think it’s better if I try to get along with them. I actually do get along with them as long as I don’t think about the money situation. If they were just regular friends who weren’t mooching, I would like them fine. I was happy that Brainiacal played along with us this time. We had four different micro-generations represent (they are a half-gen older than Brainiacal, I am a half-gen older than they are, SST is a half-gen older than I am).

In the end, I texted the SST to ask for one more kiss, Brainiacal asked what I was texting and I told her the truth and I also told her it almost autocorrected to “one more kid” which would have freaked him out. Brainiacal laughed, “CRAZY!”

I didn’t get a bath tonight, but it’s okay since I showered this morning and replaced my air filter.

Sometimes I feel like the person who kicks ass at Quiplash and the person who can’t cook are two different people, but they’re both me.

a blip in a vast chasm

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Robin and I didn’t work out romantically, like, at all. We’re not even close friends any more, although he does respond to messages.

Robin and I only had sex two times…yet, he’s the only person I had sex with in between Templeton and the SST.

Robin had no interest in pleasing me sexually and he drank like a fish…yet, he’s the only man out of hundreds of men I talked to on the apps whom I could stand to be around for longer than ten minutes at a time…and I actually did really enjoy all of the time I spent with him, and I did spend a lot of time with him for the almost-year we were together and a big chunk of the following year before he got with his current gf.

Robin is this weird island in himself, halfway between solitude and intimacy.

David Lynch

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David Lynch has sadly died. Templeton is an enormous David Lynch fan. He just posted on Facebook that David Lynch taught him how to be an empathetic, caring person. Maybe Templeton learned all of his social skills from David Lynch and that is the problem?

Aww

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I got reminded that I met Robin three years ago today. I haven’t seen him in almost a year, since he came to my party and his girlfriend clearly didn’t like me. I texted him today and he sent back a really nice reply, which was nice. He’s the only guy I talked to on the apps who I could stand to be around even at all, much less for dating almost a year. And he’s the only guy I slept with in between Templeton and the SST, even if it was only two times. I hope he’s coping okay with his parents’ divorce. That has got to suck.

Clashes

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I’m thinking about a lot of different things right now, and I’m not even on stimulants.

My favorite baby name list that I’ve made is the one where I get all the names that have made the list every year from 1924 through 2023, then order them by 2023 populations. For the most part, I think I can trust that all of the unisex names on that list are actually unisex and not clerical errors. (There are a number of male names and one female name that are more popular on the opposite sex nowadays, but I’m not counting those as unisex because they haven’t always been.) The exceptions are Wesley, which I’m not sure is really unisex on the boys’ side; and Andrea, Joy, and Joan on the girls’ side. Andrea and Joan are boys’ names in other countries but not here. I have no idea about Joy, unless it’s a misspelling of Joey.

Another interesting thing about this list is that there are more boys’ names than girls’ names. Why is this interesting? Well, it’s because, in total, there are way more girls’ names than boys’ names–probably more than twice as many. But when you stick to names that have been consistently used, there are more boys’ names. Why? Because people are more conservative, and less likely to follow trends, about naming their sons. Of course there are plenty of exceptions on both sides, but on the aggregate, this tendency creates more girls’ names in total but fewer girls’ names on the perennial list.

During the overlap between the SST’s visit and Unpredictable being at my house, one morning we got up early and I was saying out loud what I needed to do, “Give Unpredictable three psychiatric medications plus Zyrtec,” then a little while later I came back from Unpredictable’s room and told the SST “I just gave Unpredictable her meds” and he asked “Did you remember the Zyrtec?” and I said “Yes, that counts as one of her meds.” And I realized that I feel enormously relieved that somebody else is paying enough attention to everything I’m doing to make sure that it gets done properly. But I also realized that this would drive some people insane. And I think this is part of what it means for two people’s personalities to be compatible with each other’s.

I live in a state that kind of sucks…like there are a couple things about it that are kind of cool, but overall it sucks. The town that I live in is as ideal a place as it ever gets, but it’s overwhelmed by Templeton’s presence and it’s 25 miles away from my job. I love my job, but the city where it’s located kind of sucks. I have to live where I live for the next 3.5 years until Unpredictable ages out, nobody disputes that, but after that I’m going to want to get the hell out of Dodge for lots of reasons, but I’m still tied to staying in the same metropolitan area because I don’t want to leave my job. Nobody disputes that I can’t leave for 3.5 more years, but everyone seems to think that after that I could get a different job somewhere else if I wanted to, and I just don’t have any confidence in this whatsoever. Just thinking about it is so overwhelming I can’t deal. But then if I’m stuck in a state that kind of sucks for 20+ years…? Like it’s embarrassing. The state that I grew up in also kind of sucks but at least I was born and raised there so I can say, Well, it clearly doesn’t completely suck, since it produced me. The state that I live in now not only didn’t produce me, it produced Templeton, for freak’s sake (he wasn’t born here but he moved here when he was little and identifies). It’s embarrassing.

I’m not sure, but I think it’s possible that if I move really, really close to my job, that after a while I’ll be able to decompress enough to think clearly about other possibilities. I just can’t do that now, or anytime soon.

Baseline

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My brain at baseline feels like a ball of cactus on fire.

Visiting the homeland provides relief.

Spending time in person with the SST provides relief.

These are the only two things I have found so far that have made me feel like my brain is not a ball of cactus on fire.

Emotional cross-section

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I think that for me, there are two different types of falling into romantic love:

  1. Wanting to build a private, lifelong connective bond with someone
  2. Feeling intensely drawn to someone’s basic personality.

The only person I had ever felt 1. for was Templeton.
I did not feel 2. for Templeton; I felt it for Senior Girl, St. John, Dimmesdale, and the imaginary version of Bert.

I feel both things for the SST. The SST is the only person for whom I have ever felt both things. It is disorienting.